- Gallic Wars - Lost
- In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost
- Saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost
- France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually
the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied
- Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost...
- but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost
- The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won
- Primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost
- Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost
- Germany first plays the role of drunk
frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied...
- and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States.
- World War II - Lost
- Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost
- French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost
- Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule
is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.
- 1991 Gulf War - Won
- Refer to Second Rule of French Warfare: "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- War on Terrorism - France
- Keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
FINAL TALLY: Won = 3; Lost = 10; Tied = 5.
Now, do we REALLY want them
on our side?
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