Mincing Down the Aisle in - The New Vermont
by Norman Liebmann
December 31, 1999
Now that the liberal establishment has filleted some of the girders out of the national superstructure, one area has collapsed into a gelatinous mass of hormonal confusion and an agony of indecision about whether to leave the toilet seat in an up or down position. That area is called Vermont, and it is currently in a spasm of sexual upheaval, having abandoned democracy and undertaken to reorganize itself into a homo-ocracy. [Note: This essay deals with marriage between men. The precariousness of a marriage between women will be minimal once both ladies accept the premise that the first one to the wardrobe in the morning determines who wears the pants in the family - at least for that day. More about female marriage at a later date.]
This past Christmas, when Santa Claus visited Vermont, instead of his usual question about who's been good and who's been bad, he asked in astonishment, "Is this the regular crowd?" With his busy schedule, Santa wasn't up to speed on the fact that Vermont has been skipping lightly, but irreversibly, toward dystopia via the bridal path. Same sex marriage may prove, even if there is no road to hell, there is certainly a middle aisle. The unisex wedding ceremony will become a grotesque parody of what should be one of life's happiest moments. Instead it provokes imagery that inspires your breakfast to make a stunt driver U turn and head back where it came from. Boy-marries-boy may be adorable stuff in Vermont, but it's an abomination inside that pearly-gated community where the angels hang their halos.
Same sex marriage is an attack on Christian civilization, and it is no wonder Bill Clinton should lead that attack - inasmuch as no one ever accused him of being either Christian or civilized. Secularists rationalize the Clinton Administration is only Nature's Way of spreading AIDS politically and bringing to America the blessings of Woodstock and Gomorrah.
The courts have established the individual's right to declare openly that he's gay and that carries with it the right to sue anyone who tries to reduce it to a rumor. The courts find no paradox that it is alright to insult your own manhood and to bring a legal action against anyone who agrees with the insult. More acutely, in the "New" Vermont it has become unwise to overtly oppose the gay lifestyle, lest you be labeled a "genderist", in which event you can expect nightriders in lavender hoods to come to your house and burn a urinal on your lawn.
Vermont is just an hors d'oeuvre on the sexual buffet set out by The Clinton Administration. His constituents having declared the word "fag" politically incorrect, will prompt Bill Clinton to initiate a program called, "Take an Elf to Lunch", in which it will be common to see men snacking on each other. (Vermont is said to have almost as many "elves" as Arkansas has crooked politicians.).
Vermont has sanctioned an arrangement called a domestic partnership, an ersatz homosexual Nutrasweet marital arrangement. Though legalized by the state, this sacrilege is embroidered with hypocrisy. It is frowned upon to marry out your faith, but not out of your gender; against the law to marry your sister but okay to marry your brother; and okay for a man to date your son - as long as his intentions are "honorable."
If its present course holds true, Vermont will become a cross between a soap opera and an "open-air" gay bar. It will sometimes be referred to as the "Call me Madam" State, and its capital city, Montpelier, will carry the sobriquet, "The City of Otherly Love." By the 2010 census, when asked their gender, 83% of the people in Vermont will checked the box indicating "None of the Above,"
Here are some additional changes that we are likely to see as a result of these innovations ushered in with this official certification of homosexuality and the mockery of marriage called domestic partnership:
THE NEW VERMONT
Instead of a State House, Vermont will have a bathhouse and will be the only Governor's mansion in the U.S. to fly a terrycloth flag. The Civil War cannons in front of the Capitol building will be lifted off their cement mounts and re-pedestaled on doilies.
In the new Vermont, tomcats will prowl around wearing ballet slippers, and dogs will not run after cars, they will skip after them.
Vermont's Senators Patrick Leahy and Jim Jeffords will elope. Colleagues in the Senate will repudiate it as just a rumor until they see the Senate's Sergeant-at-Arms helping Leahy carry Jeffords across the threshold. (Rumors had persisted ever since the two missed a vote on a missile defense because they were off picking out kitchen curtains. People will wretch at the whispered rumor, "I heard they had to get married."
A Vermont University will attempt to establish a world standard for measuring the number of calories in sperm.
Gays will become the richest minority in the nation, which will prompt some black leaders to trample each other on the way into the closet so they can come out.
A Vermont man will not only climb Mount Everest, he will make a slip cover for it.
A Vermont metropolis will become a sister city of California's Mecca for gays. The people in San Francisco will call it "Sis" Francisco.
Vermont's colonial patriots will be renamed Ethan Allen and his Chartreuse Mountain Boys. Allan will be remembered for setting up the battle cry, "The British are coming and here I stand in a dirty apron!"
Apiaries will experience an explosion in the number of queen bees.
A Vermont militia group will change its name to Leotards 'R' Us. They will hole up in the woods and practice field stripping their wands. They will be supplied by a weekly airdrop from Martha Stewart.
When you lick the flap of a Vermont envelope the flap will lick back.
The most popular sexual position will be with both participants on the bottom.
Men will no longer have to go to airports, train stations and bus stops to pretend that they're only kissing each other goodbye.
A Vermont geneticist will conclude a man can inherit his gender from his mother.
There will be a "Miss Drag" Beauty Contest in which every man parades around in girls' clothing. The winner will be the guy who looks the least like Chelsea Clinton.
After shave lotion will be replaced by a men's cologne called after shove lotion.
In the Winter Olympics, Vermont will have the only team sufficiently light-in-their-loafers to ski uphill.
A man who says, "I'm in lingerie" may not necessarily mean that he sells it - nor will anyone who says he's in Women's Wear Daily be talking about getting his picture in a newspaper.
Drug pushers won't sell crack, they'll deal in a drug called quirk .The only think it will get high is your eyebrows.
Etiquette will require ransom demand notes from kidnappers carry an RSVP.
Men will play only half court basketball. There will be no dribbling because the ball will be carried to the hoop in a shoulder strap bag.
Public men's rooms will replace malls as a favorite place for "window shopping."
The most widely attended church will change its name to St. Androgyny of Montpelier. It's rumored, while performing a wedding ceremony, a gay Minister (member of the "closet clergy") forgot himself and instead of asking the groom, "Do you take this woman? He asked him, "Are you with anybody?"
A once secretive organization will change its name from Gay-oholics Anonymous to Gay-oholics Unanimous.
The Vermont State Prison for Men will have a Hospitality Shop, a honeymoon suite and will observe an "Invite a Guard into Solitary Week."
Prison cellmates who have made lasting relationships and resist parole will have their coats thrown over the prison wall to see if they can take a hint; if not they will be ejected. (Vermont will be the only state where the prison has a "bouncer.")
Football teammates will ask each other, "Your locker or mine?"
Inter-gender marriage will be frowned on, and the conventional wisdom will be, "Those mixed marriages never work out."
People will be considered weirdoes for hanging around "straight bars."
The Vermont Legislature will pass a law requiring, in gratitude, a picture of Bill Clinton on every package of Fruit Loops.
A Vermonter will be the first man to give birth to a child. It will be delivered through an alternate aperture and look like Strobe Talbot.
Amorous Lotharios will ask parents not for their daughter's hand in matrimony but their son's hand in sodomy.
Instead of adding flouride to Vermont's water they will lace it with estrogen
Men will hire "butch" ladies (rent-a-dikes) to walk them through tough neighborhoods. The nearest thing they had to a crime wave is when a bunch of Vermont "toughies" followed a man into an alley, wrestled him to the ground and gave him a pedicure. (A newspaper will report sex crimes on its Society page.)
Stubble will be ground for divorce. Men will seek annulments after realizing their colognes clash. The most frequent cited ground for divorce in same sex marriages will be "Irreconcilable Similarities."
27% of the male population will change their names to Nancy. It's been alluded, 43% of them are already named Nancy.
VERMONT LAW ENFORCEMENT
Instead of a badge, a policeman will wear a corsage.
Vermont police will turn in their batons and carry parasols,
Instead of Mace cops will shpritz criminals with Revlon Spray-net.
Ammunition will be outlawed. Vermont-made guns will only fire Q-Tips.
Vermont State Troopers will be issued bulletproof pasties, and ride their motorcycles sidesaddle.
A driver who has been pulled over will be required to show the officer his dance card.
Medical authorities will determine penicillin does not cure lifestyle.
In an emergency, instead of paramedics, Vermont will dispatch a team of fashion consultants.
Vermont Automotive Centers will rotate your tires - and your hormones.
Tailors will experience unprecedented demand for zipper relocations.
Vermont will become Mecca for people who are gender shopping and Sutter's Mill for doctors who do sexual alterations. Hospitals will have facilities for a drive-through sex change, and when facilities are overburdened, people will lie down on the hospital lawn and a surgeon will pass among them with an edger. (Recently, a transsexual showed the people in the office his operation. They all voiced the same incredulous reaction. "You mean you did that on purpose?" It is supposed, long after he's gone the best part of him with be at Dartmouth University floating in a jar. (Sex change procedures will also be available to equip males with functioning breasts. A secretary will be able to announce, "I'm sorry, Mr. Smithers can't come to the phone just now. He's lactating.")
Boys will not be required to come to school in school uniforms, but they must wear their mother's shoes.
First grade children will be taught C-A-T spells "gay."
Boys won't be circumcised; they'll be hemmed. (The procedure will be called "trying the new length.")
The Boy Scouts will be renamed The Boy Skirts.
Schools will teach gay-bonics (ebonics with a lisp.)
The program called Affirmative Action will be replaced by one called Effeminate Action - and a government program will change its name from Head Start to Start Head.
Vermont high schools will adopt Clinton's sexual policy for teenagers - Don't ask - Don't tell - Don't Wait.
Let's face it. New England has never been a part of the United States one particularly associates with machismo. It is reported, in John Wayne's last will and testament, he requested whoever did his eulogy go out of his way to mention that "Duke" Wayne did not come from Vermont.
In America any boy can still grow up to be President. Only In Vermont can a boy grow up to be a woman driver.
|Norman Liebmann is a former television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives) and a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. Please visit his website Firehat, a treasure trove of Clinton and Media bashing.|
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3 jan 2000