Mike Barnicle on God

His name is God.

At least that’s what I call him, although he does go by a lot of different names in a lot of different places.

Allah, Jesus, The Lord, Christ, The Big Guy, Numero Uno — God’s got a lot of nicknames. But he’s got even more responsibilities. I mean he’s got to have really broad shoulders — not to mention the patience of Job (who by the way was an old pal of God’s).

When you’re God, people are constantly asking for favors and requesting the most unbelievable things.

For example, take a normal day. In the course of 24 hours, God is supposed to take care of our health, make sure the Dow hits 11,000, the little kids pass algebra, the big kids get into Georgetown, Dad finds a parking space, Mom wins the lottery and basic cable rates get cut.

Plus, God is always getting hit on to help win a pennant, assist some criminal in basketball shorts, or aid a drug addict wearing a baseball uniform.

Nobody actually knows if God is even a sports fan, but people are all over him, like he’s a regular on ESPN.

And that’s just the small stuff. That’s before you even get to Kosovo.

Listen to some of these fakers in Washington and you’d think God was the guiding light behind our laser bombs over Belgrade. Apparently, the president figures God is a member of the First Marine Division.

The problem is, a lot of civilians in the Balkans think God is on their side. The same way Israel does and Iraq, Ireland and the British, the Russians and the Afghans, Katzenberg and Eisner.

They all figure they have a claim. The One True Claim, on God, and some of the things they’ve done in His name are unbelievable.

I wonder if God ever gets confused.

Then, along time comes Columbine High.

And, boy oh boy, talk about ‘taking the Lord’s name in vain.’ You see some of these poor people on TV at the various ceremonies for all the dead children. And if they’re not wondering ‘How in God’s Name could something like that happen,’ they’re asking, ‘How could God ever allow such a thing?’

Well, I’m no expert. But, from the little I’ve learned over the years I don’t think God had anything to do with the commission of any crime.

God didn’t pull that trigger in Littleton — any more than He is bombing the Balkans.

God is a good guy. He’s neither liberal nor conservative.

He’s not a Republican or a Democrat.

God doesn’t rely on polls or focus groups.

God believes. He’s got a point of view.

Plus, God knows there’s only so much that can be done on Earth because He’s known every evil fruitcake you can think of.

Hitler, Idi Amin, Jim Jones, Charles Manson, Richard Speck, Jeffrey Dahmer — God knew every one of those dudes. Knew they were total whack jobs.

God also knew Ghandi and Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa.

And God knows me, and He knows you too.

God knows what it’s like to get spit on, to be crucified — physically as well as verbally — to carry a cross while people make fun of you because of how you look or what you think.

God is more wired than the Internet.

He’s cool.

And He’s black, and He’s white, and He’s Asian, and Hispanic too.

Hey, for all I know, He might even be a chick.

But He must be pretty sick of our act. Totally bummed out by how we behave. By how we murder and mutilate each other. By our arrogance and our violence. By how we suck up to Him when we’re looking for help. And then behave like total ingrates two minutes after He bails us out.

Still, He sticks with us.

Even when we half-indict Him for things like murder in Colorado or war in Yugoslavia.

How come?

Don’t ask me.

Ask Him.

You can talk to Him anytime and the number is never busy.

Look around. Check out the news. Watch what’s going on all around us.

For God’s sake, what have we got to lose?”