On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!]

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
[The shoplifter special!]

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
[And that would be how?]

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
[But it's *just* a suggestion!]

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on bottom of the box)
[Too late! You lose! I love it: food to make you mad.]

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
[Are you sure??? Let's experiment.]

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
[But wouldn't that save more time?]

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.]

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
[One would hope!]

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
[Or pets! What's for dinner?]

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
[As opposed to use in outer space or underground?]

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
[Now I'm curious.]

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
[Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning ]

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
[There's got to be another way!]

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
[What is this, a home castration kit?]

On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
[That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!]