In the Beginning

In the beginning,
God created the Heaven and the Earth.

And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said,
"Let there be light"

And there was light.

And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass,
The herb yielding seed,
And the fruit tree yielding fruit,"

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said,
"There goes the neighborhood."

And God said,
"Let us make Man in our image,
After our likeness,
And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
And over the fowl of the air
And over the cattle,
And over all the Earth,
And over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said,
"I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth
The 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"

And Man said,
"Super size them."

And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt,
That woman might keep her figure
That man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate.

And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.

And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said,
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes.

And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil
To change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink
Twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And God created the life giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
'Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth
And took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers.

It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And man brought forth his Visa.

And the exercise machine went to dwell
In the closet of Nod east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time,
Woman received the exercise machine from Man
In the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

author unknown

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16 jul 2000