Genuine Notes from Patients' Medical Charts
(If you can believe it)

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Patient comment: "I am very much annoyed to find that you branded my boy illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I married a week before he was born."

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

The above appeared in a column by Bill White of the Allentown Morning Call. He claimed to have collected it from various Internet sites.

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30 apr 2002