TO: All Employees
RE: Training for Success
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (SHIT.). We are trying to give employees more SHIT than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive you share of SHIT on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.
Employees who don't take their SHIT will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT SHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are all full of SHIT already.
If you are already full of SHIT, you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL SHIT).
Those who are full of BULL SHIT will get the SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIP SHIT).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT).
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programs (DIP SHIT)
P.P.S. For those that have maxed-out on their SHIT training and clawed their way to the top of the SHIT heap, please see the company Memorandum regarding retirement options.