TO: All Employees
RE: Reduction in Personnel (RIP)
Due to recent court decisions, immediate steps are being implemented to reduce the number of personnel on the payroll. It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain the younger, lower paid employees through this program.
This program to phase out the older personnel through early retirement will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for employment outside the company. Employees who are being RAPED can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREWED).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal called a Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under terms of this new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to Adjusted Income for Demoted Servants (AIDS) or Half Earnings for Retirement Personnel for Early Severance (HERPES). Since AIDS and HERPES are considered benefits of the plan, any employee who has received AIDS and/or HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The company wishes to assure the younger employees who will remain that the company will continue its excellent training policy. (see Memorandum).